Purple Crocodiles
Catgirl (aka Artemis Rain)

Author's Note: This story is a response to a story challenge put forth
by a member of the Buffy Fan fic mailing list. The challenge is as

Darla realizing she can't have Angel until she gets rid of Buffy. Darla
going to Sunneydale  to mess with Buffy's mind. Buffy starts to loose
it. Angel comes to save the day.

 Please have some of the following-

 - Buffy crying
 - the term 'Scooby bonding'
 - Angel finding out about 'Something Blue'
 - Riley's death
 - A rosery
 - an emotional breakdown
 - Spike talking to the fake 'Buffy head' ( that bond manicin thing)
 - A Riley Angel fight with (verbal or psyhical)
 - A crazy Buffy
 - Xander doing a pros and cons of both Riley and Angel

This is my response. It takes place just after Darla is ressurected,
and still mortal. Spoilers for "Something Blue."

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.


Darla sat alone in a dimly-lit room. She pondered. She was also on the

"…then you better go catch it!!!" She laughed as the person on the
other end hung up in disgust. "Crank calling Angel is so much fun…Ooh!
And it's almost time to do it again!"
She laughed maniacally.

"Why won't Angel love me again? Doesn't he know I'll go crazy and kill
people and try to take over the world without him?  WHY!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY
HIM!!!!!!!!…Wait a minute….OH NEVER MIND!!!!!!!! I've tried everything
from invading his dreams to framing him for murder, to crank calling
him every thirty seconds! What do I have to do, eat a lot of cheese,
put on a purple crocodile costume and dance  around on my hands? Hey,
that could work! Hmm, I could always kill… Ooooh! Shiny!" She started
staring at the light fixtures in a zombie like fashion. Just then,
Lindsay walked in. He took one look at Darla and called Lila.

"Hey, Lila! What have I told you about making sure Darla gets her
medication! If you want to keep her around, make sure she's taking her
meds! Otherwise she sleeps outside!"


Several hours later, when Darla awakens from her trance…

"…where was I? Oh yeah! I could always kill someone close to him for
fun and profit! Hmm, what about that Buffy chick? Yeah, I'll mess with
her mind, then kill her! Angel will be so proud!" and with that, she
set off to Sunnydale.


Meanwhile in Angel's office…

"Hmm, I wonder what Darla's up to now." Angel mused. "She hasn't crank
called me

in at least five minutes. She must be planning something big!" He stood
up suddenly. "Gosh! I hope she's not planning on messing with Buffy's
mind and then killing her! I bet that's it! I have to go stop her! And
get away from this goddam phone!"
Just then, Cordelia, Wesley and Doyle walked in. Seeing him packing, 
Cordy asked, "What's going on? Where are you going?"

"Darla's going to Sunnydale to mess with Buffy's mind and kill her! I 
have to go stop her! Wanna come?" Then he saw Doyle. "Aren't you
to be dead or something?" Doyle shrugged.
Wesley looked nervous. "Sunnydale? But, I'm afraid of Sunnydale! 

"Shut up, you big weenie! You're afraid of your own shadow!" Cordy

"My Shadow!? Where?! WHERE?! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" He ran under 
the table, then remembered he was afraid of under the table.
like a girl and ran out the door. Just as he remembered he was afraid
running out the door, a car came along and killed him.

"Oh, my god! They killed Wesley!"

"You bastards!"


In Sunnydale…

"Buffy, can we have sex?"


"But… But…Why not!?"

"'cause I hate you, go away!"

"But you looooove me!"

"No, I don't you @%$#& psycho! Get lost!" She slammed the door in his
face. Riley sighed. "Aaah, I knew she loved me."

Inside her dorm room, Buffy swore to herself for ever taking that
stupid class and meeting stupid psycho Riley, who had been following
her around for months, convinced they were in love. Just as she was
getting a baseball bat to bash herself over the head with, she saw
something strange out of the corner of her eye. There, outside on the
grass, was a purple crocodile, eating cheese and dancing around on it's
hands! Buffy blinked, rubbed her eyes and looked again. It was still
there. She ran to the door, where Riley was staring at her through the
keyhole, opened it, grabbed Riley and dragged him to the window.

 "Do you see a purple crocodile eating cheese and dancing around on
it's hands out there?" She asked.

 "Uh, no." Said Riley.

 "Hmmm, I must be going crazy." Buffy threw Riley into the wall, and
slammed his

face into the floor a few times before tossing him heavily outside and
slamming the door in his face.  Then she put duct tape over the keyhole
and smashed all the microphones and cameras that Riley had hidden in
the room earlier.

 "@#%$&* psychotic, stupid, idiotic, moronic army freak! I'm gonna
@#%$&(*&$ #$%#$ $%# %$##   stupid $%&%# %%^&^&%$
#$%%^#$%^ with a melon!!!!"
Just then, there was a knock on the door.


 "Hey, Buff, it's us!" Said Xander

 "Oh, good. I thought that stupid stalker had come back. Well, come
in!" She opened the door. Willow, Xander and Tara came in.

 "Hey, Buff! We heard you were a little down in the dumps! Well, I
guess I would be too if I had to see Riley's face more than once a
millenium. I didn't think it was possible to be that ugly!" Said
Willow. "Oh, I got off track! Anyway, we knew you were miserable, so we
thought we'd come on over for some Scooby bonding!"

 "Wow, thanks guys! You know, I really need it, what with Riley
following me around everywhere. You know, he's starting to make me go
crazy! Just a few minutes ago, I looked out the window and saw a purple
crocodile eating cheese and dancing around on its hands! Weird, huh?"
All heads nodded in agreement.

 "I Can't believe I almost thought about dating him! Wow! Good thing I
was still hung up on Angel. Just imagine what Riley would be like if he
was my real boyfriend! Wait a minute! Why was I still thinking about
Angel? He's dead! And he dumped me!"

"Well," Xander said, "he was the much, much better alternative to
Riley. You see, sure Angel's dead, and he dumped you, and he has that
pesky curse, and he can't go out in the sunlight, and he'll be the same
age he is now when you're 85. He's got good qualities too,
like…uh…like…his…hair! Yeah! That's it! He has good hair! Whereas Riley
is a psychotic stalker with no brains or any redeeming qualities

 "Yeah, that's why! Thanks, Xander!"

 " No prob! Hey, we brought videos! Who wants to watch Apocalypse Now!"
Everyone groaned.


In Spikes crypt…

"Oh, Slayer, would you like some more tea?" Spike asked the mannequin
he thought of as Buffy. He was seated with her and several stuffed
animals at a table covered with tiny cups and saucers. He sipped his
imaginary tea and poured some more for Mr. Floppytail, the rabbit to
his right before turning back to "Buffy".

 "What's that? Just another biscuit? Sure!" He handed her the plate
full of imaginary biscuits. "Oh! Now don't drink that too fast! You
might choke!" He said to the beat-up teddy bear across from him. "My,
how I love these little parties!"


We run away in fear, only to return to Buffy and Willow's dorm room…

"It gets better. I remember that it gets better!"

"Didn't you say that last time?"

"BUFFYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" Angel called as he broke down the door to the

"Angel? What are you doing here?"

"I came to protect you! Darla's here and I think she's going to mess
with your mind and kill you!"

"BUFFY'S IN DANGER??!!??!!" Riley ran into the room looking angry.
"Don't worry, my love! I'll protect you!"

"Don't you get it, Riley? I HATE YOU!!! I WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!!!!
Remember when

I told you I was getting married to Spike? I wasn't kidding! I was
trying to get you to leave me alone!!!!"

"I know! I saw you making out with him in Giles' apartment with my
hidden cameras! Don't worry, I'll never let him touch you again!"

"WHAT!?!?!?!" Angel yelled. "YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH SPIKE?!?!"

"Angel!! You don't understand!! It wasn't my fault, it was…" She looked
around and grinning evilly, pointed at Riley. "HIS FAULT!!!! ALL HIS
FAULT!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!! KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!"
Snarling, Angel leaped at Riley, who was far too stupid to get out of
the way. Angel pinned him to the floor and stabbed him with a nearby
rosary. He looked around to see everyone celebrating happily. Buffy was

 "Oh, Angel! Thank you so much! I owe you my life! How can I ever repay
you?" She fell, sobbing, into his arms. She looked up.

 "Wait a minute! This means…I'M FREE!!!!!!! I'M FREE FOREVER OF HIS
TORMENT!!!!!!! YIPIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" She ran out of the room and out
onto the grass where Darla was taking off her purple crocodile costume.

"Hey Darla! Got any cheese left?"

"Of course! Help yourself! Listen, Buffy. I came here to mess with your
mind and kill you, but I've decided you need to suffer a bit first. I
know that stupid git Riley has been following you around, and I know
you probably came here to beg for me to kill you so you could escape
his horrible torment. Well, too bad!" She reached for more cheese and
took a big bite. When she swallowed, however, she began to choke. She
gagged for a bit and then fell over dead. Buffy rejoiced. She began to
laugh maniacally as she donned the purple crocodile suit and reached
for Darla's cell phone.

"Let's see how Angel likes being crank called every 30 seconds! I'm
sure if I call enough, he'll love me again!"  And she danced off into
the  woods on her hands with the cheese balanced on her feet, laughing
like the crazy person she had become.

The End.